It's not about being read. It's about being written.

And lucky you has stumbled upon it. Lucky may not be the key word here. I've had blogs in the past. LiveJournal, DeadJournal, even another Blogger. I didn't keep up with them. Mostly because I knew so many people who were connected with my account that I couldn't say what I really wanted to.  I'm like that. I freak out about what others think. Should I? No. But I do. When I do finally say "screw it" and fling off the worries of what comes from the mouths of others, I either piss them off or get called a freak. Stings a little, yeah. So, welcome to the new, possibly improved, blog where I keep things anonymous, and just write whatever I want.  But let's be honest. Someone is going to stumble on this shit, so I'll be nice....ish. At least writing to a wall that might be read by someone can give me the stress relief of talking to another human being.

But now that you're here, let's start with the introductions - Right now I'm 30. I've been married to a wonderful husband, Kal for the past 10 years and we have three beautiful children. Barry is an 8 year old little redhead with energy to spare and ADD to go with it.  Bruce is 5 and a darling little blond boy with that Italian complexion and blue eyes. (Ladies, when he grows up, look out.)  Then there's adorable little Merida.  If you've seen Brave, you know my daughter. No, really. She's 3, and I'm telling you, they made a movie about her already.


Moving on.

A "friend" (we all have those, right?) posts on her page today just how much she loves and appreciates her husband who has to deal with the mess of cleaning up her screwed up psyche which is leftover from some male figure in her life. Ex-boyfriend, Father, I don't know. But it makes me think that maybe I'm not the only who can go from being okay to withdrawn with a single word or disappointing reaction.

And for all these years, I applaud Kal. For over 12 years he has dealt with complete come aparts over the stupidest things.

Say I find a clip on "RedTube" that I feel is absolutely hilarious.  Finding it so funny, I naturally want to share it with my husband. My partner who is in so many ways just like me. Instead of a good chuckle, he ends the clip and says, "Oh yeah, I've seen that before."  Or the ever more popular, "Okay, honey."  .... And that's it? I can live my life knowing that other people think I'm weird. 'Cause darlin', I've seen much worse! But when I get such a response from my husband, it kills me. I can't handle thinking that he believes me to be lame or weird. It upsets me greatly even more so because every clip he shows me at least gives me a little laugh. Now I simply don't dare show him anything. What if it confirms his suspicions that I am, in fact, stupid?

Take for a second example: While celebrating our 10th anniversary we had chosen to dress nicely for a dinner at a restaurant that is special to us. However, we were in Las Vegas and the restaurant was in a different casino than the one we were staying in. With it being so HOT outside, we packed our nice outfits in a duffel bag, drove down the Strip and did some shopping in the area before heading to a bathroom to change into our nicer dinner outfits. (Classy, right? Haha.) Upon exiting the restroom, I knew Kal would have been waiting some time for me and I held hope against hope that all my hard primping would not be in vain and that I would take his breath away.  At long last I exit to find him standing across the hall.  He greets my arrival with a casual smile and "Hi. Let's go."  He was indeed looking very handsome and made my heart skip a beat, but his reaction dropped my heart onto the cold linoleum floor; leaving it vulnerable for the stomping.  Later during the dinner I told him my concern to which he insisted that I did, but his reaction had not proven to me that I am what I want to be in his eyes.  This is all in my head, I'm sure.  I expect too much, right?

Well, the fact remains that if you grow up being told that you are fat, stupid, ugly, useless and will never be wanted by anyone, it takes a toll.  I'm sure much stronger people than me have risen above and beaten their oppressors into the dirt. I am not that kind of person. Instead I rebelled entirely, did everything to prove to myself that they were wrong. Sadly, I went about it in entirely the wrong way. Yep, you got it. I was a teenage slut. No sugar coating there. At least during those moments of primal lust I could tell myself that the other person did not think me fat, or ugly, or undesirable. They may not have loved me, but at that moment it didn't matter because Daddy was wrong. The sensation never lasted long, however. Sex ends, relationships wax and wane, friends start to go off different ways. I wanted to have a boyfriend, so I could say that yes, I am normal, I have one. But once things started slowing down after the "slobber and make out phase", I took on one night stands and lovers on the side. Anything to keep me feeling like I was wanted.

I got lucky. Miraculously lucky. I was never pregnant and did not receive that lovely little surprise of an STD.  I did however, finally get things right with a good man who loves me entirely. A man I am still grateful to be able to call my husband to this day.  Thousands upon thousands of girls are not nearly so fortunate. For them, my heart breaks. Now that we have a daughter of our own, it is of utmost importance to us that she understand her worth. That all of our children do. I cannot bear the thought of my children believing about themselves the things that I honestly believe about me. I still have so many dark days and I hope that Kal will continue to hold my hand through them and be patient.  Perhaps someday I'll see in myself the things that he does.

So be good to your kids, your lovers, our fellow man. You'd be amazed what a compliment can do.